Author: Erin Touponse

reiki master/teacher, poet, spiritualist, child of the stars

(this retrograde)- karma

it’s dark and heavy-
the fires that were burning
are all but out,
and I am left listening
to the sounds of the wild
just outside-
my heart is breaking,
literally shattering,
shards of glass falling
and then reforming
only to break again…
the sounds of such danger lurking
within my heart, i am sobbing-
a thousand times dead
only to reform the circle
and die again…
this is a hard road
this clearing- of all that’s been-
my bleeding hands
cannot take any more-
shattering pieces just fall
at my feet
waiting for release
why do I keep picking them up?

my heart is screaming with agony-
it will not bend,
it will not give in-
i am lost to the yelling,
the constant bitter lament-
why do you plague me so,
dear heart,
leave me alone
and I will walk away
but you will follow me i suppose
so i remain
trapped inside this loop of
bitterness and pain
who comes to save the savior?
there is nothing left to wash away
it’s only after this storm is passed
that I will get any sleep at all

Loneliness

It feels like ages
since I could see the sun-
Living in this darkness,
Surrounded by animals that linger
In the shadows,
Fear waits beside me
And for now I have her wrapped
In my arms-
But this road is so lonesome
And I am feeling like not pushing on-
When will the heaviness
Leave my lungs?
The whispers, my heart?
To taste free air again!
I am wasting away
In this wasteland of pain
Begging for clarity
And receiving none

To rejoin myself

Your voice has carried upon time’s
Glowing flame
Distant echoes of pieces
Words and whispers
Images of bread and soda
That linger now beneath breath
Times cushiony dew, piling
Lifetimes until it’s all just haze
Your part of me has been still
And imprinted in collective memory
Missing links tie me back to you
A longing to rejoin myself

Another day

Armor falling
The space between
Lit now by burning fires
Remains dark
The sun has not yet risen
As metal and leather
Thump upon the ground
I could wonder where you went
Left upon that battlefield of pain
But I would rather think you flight
Upon wings of rain
Loss cannot enter
It’s just a transmute
And I will fight another day

End

My heart aches
With an unrelenting sorrow
An unyielding, forever present
Tension that cannot be soothed-
Drowning within its own blood
Each breath a deeper silence,
A further falling,
My heart cannot even cry out –
Failing I cannot even left my head…
Ancient pain stabs and stops
It lingers and laughs
“I am nothing without you”
I whisper to the echoes
That line the past
But nothing comes for me
Or takes my bloody hand-
Alone upon this time I linger now
Waiting for it to end

alone

the darkness of my home
sounds so empty today
as if the birds have left their branches
and taken shelter in another-
i think and dream
of more, of what could have been,
of what is yet to be-
i am lost today, adrift within my
own deep
wondering where the lightness
flew away to-
my heart aches for that which
i do not even know
as signs of love enter my dreams
and vanish just as quickly-
who is guiding me
with this painful encouragement?
and why are these arms
still cold with despair?
i am swimming in a sea of darkness
and devouring my heart
with this nothing that i feel-
when will the light return
and sing to me of faith and hope?
when will my arms not feel so cold?
when will i finally see the face of truth
and set myself free from these chains
with which I have bound my soul
to this plane; alone….

this lonely heart

Loneliness sounds so loud
Echoing through these chambers
Of my heart
Longing resides within the empty corners
For something more than silence
For light to shine through the darkness
For smiles to replace pain
Would that I could take away your suffering
Would you hold me again?
Would you cover me in your golden
Voice and soothe this ache?
Lifetimes I wait
But now, As I peer upon your prison
Your dark retreat
I know healing requires distance
And I am but a leaf on a breeze
So I will flow upon the winds of time
With faith that all will be safe

walk with me

The bridge connecting the inner realm
to the outer world is glowing-
Alive with golden energy
We are invited now to walk upon
The golden boughs
And transcend the limitations
Of time and space-
Through the inward expansion,
And guided by the thread of breath
And hope and love,
We arrive at a place not unlike
What was
But far more melodious
In color and shape-
All that has ever been resides here
All possibility and outcome
Free from the shackles of place and time
Our body flows upon the embers of
All that is-
It is time to raise voice and sing
For a new dawn awaits those who listen
Free from suffering, balanced in acceptance
Guided by compassion
We raise our hands in unison
And companionship,
A fellowship and sisterhood,
Blessed and kissed by hand of the king
Embrace your divinity- walk with me

Rosie

here i sit across from my rosie
from the killer who rang through
my heart last night
wrenching light
until i could understand something
bigger
this poor love, a dog
who has her own nature,
who has her own set of rules to live by-
she shook me with her brutality,
with her base nature
and as I heard the cries of the poor
creature i which she died
i was brought to tears
by the ferocity
and vulnerability
and just here now, she lies near me
trusting and loving
sleeping with a low hum of breath
and i am still reeling from the
thing… the death
that visited my ears, echoing
within me deeply
we are all animals
we are all creatures of destruction
and vulnerabitity
the lesson lies within the balance
of truth and honesty
as brutal in nature as can be

sound of death

A light was activated
As tiny explosions sent my heart
Into meltdown
It was the sound of death
That still clings to me
The vulnerability
The deep carnal fear
Darkness cannot cover that sound
The final gasps of potential
Lost to dust now
Deep trauma energy
Circled and climbed
Within me until shaking
I could not hear or speak
Surrounded in pain and anger
I just sat and sat
Still I’m waiting for some deeper clarity
My sweet dog didn’t mean
Her cruelty upon whatever
Lingered in the darkness of the garden
But within me she opened
Such ancient suffering
And now I sit with her actions
Her instincts
And pray for understanding