My guilt at not being more
grows steadily within-
and the harder you try to
show me your love
the farther I retreat into
my homemade prison…
Don’t you know that I cannot
bear thoughts of sweet nothings
whispered softly in my ear?
How can I possibly hear your wanderings
above the dull roar of disease
within my head?
Tag: sorrow
counter and away
Oh bleeding heart!
Why are you
so adverse to the pleasures
of happiness
such that you run counter
and away- from the love you desire
in hopes of finding pain
to feed your false need for
what is familiar?
sunshine
the sliver of sunshine that i can see
from the window pane of my heart
keeps me striving to move forward
in hopes that maybe someday
I will see just a little more…
that maybe someday i will taste
the spring air that flows
through the open fields
just beyond the threshold of my door
this maze
So much lies between
me and love
So many secrets that I keep
from myself
Barriers of self betrayal
line the rooms of my house
dividing any chance for sleep
for peace, for love to find me…
And though I cry out lost in
this maze of my own undoing
I am not strong enough to knock
it down
lightening bugs
There are lights on the porch
across the street-
I can see them glowing outside my window,
softly,
reminding me of lightening bugs
I used to try to catch
as they flashed through
childhood summer evenings
Oh the cruelty of youth!
bottling up such wondrous bugs
so that they might lighten up
the darkened places within my soul-
Alas, nothing of that light remains
as I stare nostalgically
down and across the road
at electric lights that softly glow
residue
I tried to patch the hole
from which the slow leak
of my joy softly dripped….
But the tape didn’t seem
to want to hold
and I was left with the bitter
tannins that collected at the
bottom of my heart
Today was a desperate clawing
at restlessness
that would not subside
and there was nothing
left for me to find
but this lonely emptiness
that coated my heart
with residue
a ghost
I am so scared to show you
who I am-
I use smoke and mirrors
To keep you from seeing…
Believing that if you knew
what I really looked like
you might not really like what you see
So I hide from you, and I hide from me..
And these things in which I
run into,
Like distractions for my mind,
I dwell upon them to keep myself
otherwise occupied
The shame of it all
is that when you hold me close
I cannot feel your arms-
Because you’re holding a ghost…
I long for you to find what’s hidden underneath
but when I cannot even find myself
what’s there to love of me?
untangled
This push and pull
That governs my life
Is but the outer shell
Of a darkness that’s yet
To be faced
Until this darkness is converted
Into something else
I will continue to pull you close
And then push you away
It’s an unease that I cannot
Fathom.
So here I am trying to peel back
The layers of myself
To get to the center of my
Ancient pain
So I can be free to love
With my heart untangled.
night again
Thinking to close my eyes-
I’m so tired…
but my mind won’t fade;
Desperate to let it all
slowly melt from space,
yet here I linger
on the outskirts of time
Heavy thoughts carried by
weary arms make for a worn
and washed out soul…
alas, it’s night again, so here
I go… venturing into
thoughts, better left
locked away
dusk of eternity
these words that from my heart
long to drip into oblivion
are too dark to be remembered
and yet too full of love to let go
so i hover just on the edge of what
lies between heaven and hell
so that i might indulge in the beauty
of that love
and the pain of dark’s sweet blow
do no look for me, seated in-between,
the dusk of eternity,
for I will be waiting softly for love’s embrace
and the faith i find in the darkness i face
the SIBYL'S SONG 