it was a 2am party raging
while you slowly took me outside
the grass was cool and i could
feel the dew on my back
you didn’t really give me reason
and besides, i was too high to understand,
though i closed my eyes for just a moment
and you were there, on top of me,
and before i could scream
the pain billowed out
and there was nothing I could see
but the darkening sky
Tag: guilt
holes
You ask for my decision
Will I give you what you need?
I hesitate blindly
Knowing that I am too broken
To fill your heart with light
How can I catch rainbows
When my net is full of holes?
strange and ponderous
Sitting in my car, sunroof open,
staring at the clouds
as I listen to cars hustle by-
And I think of fresh linen
What a juxtaposition
Clean skies, and dirty sounds
Thinking of my life, such
wondrous similarities….
healthy living masking
dirty emotions
that lie just underneath
a clean facade
….Strange and ponderous
beating heart
Even if I go away
I will still hear it-
That ever so steady
Beating of the heart I broke
And tried to piece back together
With masking tape and glue
vampiric love
I turned my head and saw the marks
On my neck, where you once fed
Though I’m not dead
I hang on yet…
Holding this thread of reality
Between my fingers
Grasping the last bits of
Reason… and trying to make sense
Of why willingly
i accepted your feeding
basement of hidden truth
Bobcat crawled out of the
basement of my dream
Hung onto the top stair
pleading with me.
I shut the door
Swore, and urged him to go away
What he was showing…
I just couldn’t let myself say
So I woke up with a pain
In my breast, beating chest,
And regret for things that
That lay hidden between
There’s truly no letting go
When things are left
To linger just below-
The basement of hidden truth…
painful sorrow
There is just a sadness
That lingers on the flesh
Like dew
and it wont go away, or dry up
Or change into something new…
It just simply sits there
Moistly on my skin
Reminding me that I am
Not soft to touch
But slick and slimy…
And foul with painful sorrow
too dark to shine for you
i am sorry for the pain behind your eyes;
hidden by the lines forged once by smiles…
i am sorry for the weight upon your chest;
a place i used to lay my head…
i am sorry for the push and pull of confusion
that has dragged you this way and that…
i am sorry that i cannot be
what you long for, what you need, what you deserve,
my failure is only outshined by my despair.
i just keep asking… how can i hurt one who has been so loving?
i am sorry my heart lies here broken
….by those who came before you…
they say that the gold that fills the cracks
of broken vases only makes them that
much more valuable…
would that I could be your gold,
and fill your broken places
with light…
alas, i am too dark to shine for you…
a bad wife
~a bad wife~
I’ve been a bad wife
moving without thought, forever forward,
impossibly looking for that which
eludes me
Without measure of my actions
I’ve walked the line between right and wrong
and results have never weighed much
upon my mind
repercussions ring now, at the end
of all things,
with loud fever; darkening the doorstep
of my heart
how does one recover
from the stain
of causing such irrevocable pain
and misery?
cruelty that dwells within my spirit
haunts the steps of that which is light
no win win
~no win win~
There is no answer to this-
no win win
The die’s been cast and the last
person holding the hot potato loses…
Don’t know why it has come to this,
this incredible pain of recognition,
that all is lost…
That what was, truly is no longer,
and no amount of weeping will change
that reckoning for me
Would that i could release the past
and move with love into that uncertain future
But the hands that hold me to the present
are so strong that I cannot breathe,
none the less see…
So I remain stuck, still, waiting for your
grip upon my chest to lighten
so I can find release,
so that I can find a way free
from the pain and guilt that binds me
the SIBYL'S SONG 