I tried to patch the hole
from which the slow leak
of my joy softly dripped….
But the tape didn’t seem
to want to hold
and I was left with the bitter
tannins that collected at the
bottom of my heart
Today was a desperate clawing
at restlessness
that would not subside
and there was nothing
left for me to find
but this lonely emptiness
that coated my heart
with residue
what longing i had for you
is outmatched by the emptiness
i feel within my heart…
for it’s not your absence that
causes me harm
but rather your presence-
lingering- that haunts
my waking steps
I am so scared to show you
who I am-
I use smoke and mirrors
To keep you from seeing…
Believing that if you knew
what I really looked like
you might not really like what you see
So I hide from you, and I hide from me..
And these things in which I
run into,
Like distractions for my mind,
I dwell upon them to keep myself
otherwise occupied
The shame of it all
is that when you hold me close
I cannot feel your arms-
Because you’re holding a ghost…
I long for you to find what’s hidden underneath
but when I cannot even find myself
what’s there to love of me?
This push and pull
That governs my life
Is but the outer shell
Of a darkness that’s yet
To be faced
Until this darkness is converted
Into something else
I will continue to pull you close
And then push you away
It’s an unease that I cannot
Fathom.
So here I am trying to peel back
The layers of myself
To get to the center of my
Ancient pain
So I can be free to love
With my heart untangled.
Thinking to close my eyes-
I’m so tired…
but my mind won’t fade;
Desperate to let it all
slowly melt from space,
yet here I linger
on the outskirts of time
Heavy thoughts carried by
weary arms make for a worn
and washed out soul…
alas, it’s night again, so here
I go… venturing into
thoughts, better left
locked away
My head is a top
That won’t stop spinning
As if gravity doesn’t matter at all
And it’s wearing a hole
Where it’s turning
Making my soul thin and dizzy
these words that from my heart
long to drip into oblivion
are too dark to be remembered
and yet too full of love to let go
so i hover just on the edge of what
lies between heaven and hell
so that i might indulge in the beauty
of that love
and the pain of dark’s sweet blow
do no look for me, seated in-between,
the dusk of eternity,
for I will be waiting softly for love’s embrace
and the faith i find in the darkness i face
Between the inhale and the exhale
Lies the holy holy
A silent elixir of eternity
Would that I linger in that quiet darkness
To find riddles answered
And my heart consumed
oh! but for a moment,
to reach such eternity
and breath as one with divine
Like heart shaped clouds floating by
You and I were simply passing
Touching softly in the summer
A piece of your white air
Linked inexplicably to mine
As we floated on
And I let you go as you moved along
On your way to some other destination
Rainbows I found within you-
And the formation of dark storms
But I always kept a bit of your cloud in mine
As memoirs of our fading
The dark of my room
takes me back to you….
I cannot help but remember
your breath on my breast,
the feel of your touch on my leg,
the way you whispered nothing
in my ear so that my body
quivered instead…
but you, you’re lost,
and I am still hanging
onto these thoughts…of you-
in the dark of my room
the SIBYL'S SONG 