Tag: childhood memories

lost myself

I wanted you to stop,
I wanted to scream it,
But my words got stuck in my chest
And just spun around there
In fury and in darkness,
Like a wound I couldn’t heal,
A scab I couldn’t pick-
This itch that screamed in pain
For lack
Making me sick…
It boiled over, blasting red hot rage
All over my breast
Lack of breath-
Stunted I sat enraged by this lack,
This hole,
This nagging pain with no voice,
Until it ate away at my soul,
Until there was nothing left of my joy
But remnants of your explosion…
I wanted you to stop
To scream it from the depths of my heart-
But my voice carried no wave
And I lost myself to the pain


Days after, you smiled at me-
After you told all your friends
How you’d bagged me;
You thought we’d still be friends…
And I smoked too much weed,
And let myself smile back;
Like a doll or a thing-
It was all so surreal, if I could just
Push down and pretend-
That you weren’t just ringing in my ear
Panic in my chest
Hate in my heart
Loathing on my breast
You thing! Who took from me that which was
Mine to give
You hateful thing smiling like you didn’t just take
And what of me? Of this sinking, blocking
Where did the screams go?

june dew

Summer darkness on my face
And dew clinging to my back;
Your body, heavy, in my space,
Left the world behind me-
Like a bolt of red light
You shot through my peace,
Devastating what was left of me-
And alone, my naked body walked
In circles, stammering like a broken record,
As submissive pee ran down my leg


the chaos that lies within me
burns for more of my heart-
it’s a fire fueled by emotion
and lines like flowers upon the
fields of my past.
i yearn for more, not knowing
that these poppies are poison
and my heart, though innocent yet,
doesn’t know how to remain
in the stillness of my moments
without some tumult
to turn the focus upon its head…
for too long this soul has nurtured
chaos as a friend, afraid to live
within the silence that would
bring upon me all that’s been done-
too fearful to look, to face the past,
i linger within my self made prison instead
hoping that one day change
might find this heart and still
the fires within my breast

generational dysfunction

Cycles of pain spin
Throughout generational lines;
Each turning wheel
A different color,
An individual thread,
That links back to a source-
A dysfunctional tear-
Where all confusion began…
Perhaps endings will resolve
The pain of separation
And we might all find love again

this flood

it always seems to rain
when i ready my heart
to open-
such pain that pours from
the sky
leveling my mind
washing away all thought
but that which lingers now
of memory….
and where am i?
waiting for the heavens to clear
and the flood to drain
from the surface of my soul;
for i am nothing if not
consistent in this drowning
from my own sorrow

graveyard of memory

unopened doorways
harboring darkness and fear
outstretch whispers
calling to me-
it’s a graveyard of memory
that lingers within the deepest
corners of my hidden thought
binding me with secrets
untold and wistfully forgotten…
though the night weighs heavily
upon my soul
i hate more than i accept
and will not open that threshold
for fear of falling into the darkness
i lock inside there-
there’s no hope for letting go
and no resolve when i cannot
even acknowledge the lies
that so linger quietly within my heart…


this child haunts the halls
of your broken sight
always lost and losing
afraid to let people into
this darkness lest they find a light
and shine it on all the filth
that remains in this room of pain
there’s nothing there to steal
and you’ve left nothing to gain
your poison in my lungs
and your illusion for my brain
i will wait no longer for you though
falcon’s wings take me away
but in the end I will have you
and you will be asked to pay

love’s flow

hang me upside down
and see what secrets might fall
out of the pockets
of my soul-
filled now with memories still
and though I long to be free
from this fool’s gold that binds
me so
the wings that would let me fly
are pinned by the heaviness
that the past still holds…
bound now by illusions that weigh me
would that i could be the hanged man
and release to gravity that which
blocks love’s flow…
oh what i would give
just to lighten this load! and let my
heart soar into eternity…

mighty river’s flow

the tickling of rain, falling
against window glass lines my view
with streaks of fractured light
and broken sound…
the quiet death of suicidal
drops, colliding against clear
but solid- illusion…
how I feel for these lovingly mistaken
falling children of the clouds
oh that they should suffer
at my windowpane
without knowledge of the mistake
they are making in their falling…
and to see the love
my heart holds for you yet the same!
and decide rather to fall through trees
instead onto pane…
so that I might turn from that
which mirrors my descent and land
instead into the mighty river’s flow